![Rakul/FreeRangeStock Rakul/FreeRangeStock](https://cdn2.psychologytoday.com/assets/styles/article_inline_half_caption/public/field_blog_entry_images/2024-01/FRS_1026_Racool-47.jpg?itok=94dc6QLc)
Source: Racool/FreeRangeStock
Dr. Robyn Silverman is a child and adolescent development expert who hosts a popular podcast. How to Talk to Kids About Anything In her book How to Talk About Anything with KidsIn , she provides parents with advice, scripts, and hard facts to help answer kids' questions that often come out of nowhere. “Are you going to die?” How are babies made? Why is there no one to play with me?
As parents, we've all panicked at some point. I had some questions myself.
did How to Talk About Anything with Kids Did it come from a question more related to your own experience, a question from your child that you weren't sure how to answer, or something you heard from a parent?
A little bit of each. when i was 5 years oldDay I was ostracized by my entire class thanks to a very bossy girl who didn't like the fact that her best friend was mine. For many days, I spent recess alone on the hill next to the school gate, watching the rest of my class whisper. The teacher tried to do something about the constant gossip and freezing, but failed. At home, when I cried, my mom kept handing me tissues. She didn't know what to say either. I knew I wanted to help key adults know what to say to children in a variety of difficult situations.
My children always ask questions, and I wanted to answer with honest and clear information and become a source of information they could trust. When parents don't answer their children's difficult questions, they often end up turning to others, and we may not like who they choose or what those people say.
You've written a step-by-step guide to solving tough questions for kids from toddlers to pre-teens and teens. It covers everything from friendships to divorce and even money and body image. What do you think is the most difficult question for parents to answer?
Parents say the most difficult questions to answer are those related to sex and death. This is because these topics are usually the furthest thing we associate with children. Talking about sex can make parents feel uncomfortable because they think it's one big, monumental conversation. You know, that much Sex stories, puberty stories, suicide stories, divorce stories, failure stories… It's a lot of pressure. But that's not the case. This is a series of many conversations that extend from when our children are young through their teenage and even young adult years, with more details added as our children's needs and interests change and mature.
You mentioned using “teachable moments” to keep the conversation going. Can you give me an example?
Let's talk to children about death. That's a lot of small talk, as our understanding of death evolves over time. A teachable moment for a young child might be when a house plant dies. “These plants need water to live. We forgot to water. It's dead. “It’s not alive anymore.”
Or you might be walking through the park and see a dead bug. “This bug doesn't sleep. Dead. Because it's dead, it can't eat, sleep, or do any other buggy activities. I don't feel any pain. We saw that it was the body of a bug, but it was no longer alive.” We don't want to confuse the kids by saying they're “sleeping.” This is the time to introduce death.
You have this kind of teachable moment. Then you don't have to start with the concept of death when your family pet, neighbor, or grandparent dies. They have an understanding early on. Conversation grows with your child. Older children may ask about what happens to the body, why things happen, where someone goes after they die, or more existential questions. While young children are very specific, teenagers often consider less specific concepts about death.
Another example is talking about sex. These conversations begin with naming body parts, discussing consent to hugs or tickling, and discussing who can touch the body and how. As children grow older, these conversations can focus more on how babies are made and grow into discussions about misogyny, dating, romance, and more.
For example, what about a child who doesn't ask questions but knows they need to talk about sex or friendship issues? How do you address topics you think your son or daughter needs to understand? Should I?
totally. There are many ways to start a conversation.
1. Use what you see on the news or online. “I read something surprising today… What do you think about that?”
2. Use stories. In my book, I provide many stories that parents can use to address difficult topics. For example, “I know you’re frustrated that you weren’t selected for the special arts camp you wanted to attend this summer. Dr. Did you know that Seuss had to submit his first book 27 times before anyone said yes? Failure happens to everyone. If you keep practicing, adjusting, getting help, and trying again, you will eventually succeed. Keep going!”
3. Use statistics. Statistics can also be a small conversation starter. “I read about the most interesting study today! It is said that 30% of teens experience bullying. Have you ever seen anything like this at school?” Even if your child doesn't want to talk about it yet, providing a safe place to talk about these topics may open up opportunities for discussion later.
How can parents know whether their children are listening and absorbing the answers they are giving?
We all sometimes wonder why our children stop listening as soon as their lips start moving. But when I hear my daughter tell her friend, “It takes time to make friends at a new school. You have to try hard,” or my son tells me how stingy his peers are when it comes to making friends at school. I think this conversation actually works, and our other conversations could work, too, because the disability makes us think, “That’s how their brains are wired, and they can’t help but act that way.”
Copyright @2024 – Susan Newman
Related posts: ““Why today's mean girls are younger and meaner than ever”