bloodNai* nodded subtly towards a tall man who had his back to us and was talking to his friend. “Okay, that’s the goal.” she told me “Twelve o’clock. Ready?” “hmm… Sure!” I yelled at her, not feeling confident at all. She confidently walked forward, stopped a step away from the two men, touched the “target” on her arm and smiled. “Hey, can you take a picture of us?”
“ah… Yes, of course!” He wanted to help by moving Page's smartphone around to get the right angle while we pouted and posed. “What about that? I can take more.” We gather together around our phones and scroll through photos to decide if any of them are Insta-worthy: “This is so great!” Page says of all charms: “Thank you very much. What's your name?” The conversation is short, but long enough to consider mission accomplished. We smiled and laughed at each other as we made our way back to base, in this case a spot near the entrance to the trendy hotel bar we were currently in.
The irony is that Page has no interest in keeping photos of the two of us. After all, we are virtual strangers. Photography was purely a tool to engage men in conversation.
I am currently participating in a Secret Place bootcamp session designed to help women meet men in real life. The kids call it IRL. This is a practical three-hour training workshop where you go to a busy location (in this case a bar in central London) and perform exercises designed to encourage members of the opposite sex to get moving.
I didn't know what to expect when I showed up to work in the early evening after work, stressed, slightly disheveled, and carrying a huge backpack. I wasn't really interested in 'Let's meet some guys!' Although I had a bit of a frame of mind to put it mildly, my amazing dating coach Hayley Quinn put me at ease immediately.
“The idea is to foster an abundance mindset.” She tells me over a sip of sparkling water (don't drink here, it's essential to have a clear head when training). “Women in particular often have the impression that men are not enough. But we challenge that thinking. There are actually a lot of men! Our sessions are about learning techniques to get them to approach you. And through that skill, you begin to identify what meets your standards.
What qualifies you to promote yourself as a professional dating coach? Quinn, a married mother now living in France, has an interesting backstory. It starts with a boom in male-centric books like: game – dating guides and pickup manuals that became gospel among single men in the 2000s – many of which she helped ghostwrite. She held workshops and conferences around the world where she taught her 'secrets' on how to save a girl (or as many girls as possible) in exchange for exorbitant sums of money. Quinn said she would be selected as the token woman to conduct her session on “What Women Want”. But she was shocked by the following: a) Most of the men who came were not creepy, just regular guys asking for advice on how to talk to women. b) What was being taught was not helpful to them. So she decided she could use what she learned to do a better job, and she never looked back.
Asking a guy to take a picture can start a conversation
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Quinn's peer coaches are often former clients who have discovered that she is adept at interacting IRL. That's it for the evening's expert, Chris, who starts off by talking about my relationship history and dating goals.
Still, just sitting is enough. I was heading straight to the previously mentioned bar, but was told to go into the entrance lobby, stop briefly, and slowly take off my coat. Chris says this has to do with visibility, one of the three key principles of getting men to approach you. “You have to be seen,” he says. To do this, I was instructed to move slowly around the room and give people a chance to notice me. The problem is that I'm used to doing what I call a “London walk”. The only goal is to get from A to B as quickly as possible. The speed was slowed down to an unnatural degree, but it was still not enough to satisfy Chris. When I came back he said, “Try again.” “But it’s slower.”
After visibility comes proximity. “You need to close the space between you and him.” Chris told me. For example, having to cross the physical distance from one side of the bar to the other can be enough to keep someone from approaching you. He instructed me to use a backpack for my next workout. I would go to the bar, find a guy standing next to me, and ask if it would be okay if I put my bag down. As I approach the bar, I feel like I'm self-consciously looking for guys and radiating awkwardness. But the moment I nudge someone and ask an inoffensive question and the person smiles and agrees, something clicks in my brain.
I suddenly remember a conversation I had with my single boyfriend right before Christmas. Although we both lamented the enjoyable experience of using dating apps, he admitted that he would no longer feel comfortable chatting with someone IRL. “I’m worried that if I post #MeToo, something creepy will happen,” he said coyly. “I want to be respectful, but that means never approach a woman, even if you want to.” I was shocked by this. Of course it's polite, but do you bow your head even though you've been given all the right signals? It felt like such a waste. That was echoing the words of now-infamous Superman actor Henry Cavill. GQ: “I think women should be courted and chased, but I don’t know if I’m old-fashioned for thinking that way. Having certain rules makes it very difficult to do that. Because then you're like, 'Well, I don't want to go up and talk to that person. It’s like, ‘Because I’m going to be told I’m a rapist or something.’”
Cavill was heavily criticized for his comments at the time, but anecdotally, most women I know have noticed a drastic decline in their IRL approaches from men. Whether it's post-pandemic, post-app, or post-#MeToo, people seem to have lost their courage. Chris agrees.
The bag and phone exercise, which Chris later calls “breadcrumbs,” is a simple but effective technique that allows men to talk to women if they want to. You left the door open. You gave them a metaphorical nod, telling them they could go inside if they wanted.
Eye contact is everything…
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One of the really tough exercises comes in the form of the third principle: eye contact. Any woman worth her salt knows that this is the most powerful tool in our seduction arsenal. But Chris took it a step further and made me stand alone at the bar to practice. I won't order a drink. I won't look at my phone. All I do is stand there and make eye contact with guys and keep my gaze beyond a comfortable point. My heart is racing. I was truly shocked at how hard I struggled to be alone without using my device as a crutch. But as you gradually calm down and catch your eye, you begin to feel strangely empowered. Even when others look at me and back away with a little shame, I don't back down. There's a very good chance I'll look crazy. Or sexy. Who cares either way?
As a sociable animal, I would definitely prefer that Page and the other participants meet later in the workshop and act as 'wing women' for each other. But it's no surprise that Page is something of a pro. I'm here in the evenings while others are participating in the month-long “Going Renegade” bootcamp, which consists of four online masterclasses and five in-person coaching sessions over several weeks. These women have already spent their days meeting men in bookstores, cafes, and Apple stores. Paige got the phone number of a man in Harrods and is going on a date with him later tonight. I can't help but bow to this kind of pickup ability.
It's terrible to admit it, but if you imagine what kind of woman would sign up for this course, you might say she's extremely shy, lacks self-esteem, or, to put it bluntly, just isn't very attractive. In every way, I completely missed the mark. The three young professionals featured tonight are all in their mid-30s. They were good looking, well dressed, and great company. They're sick of dating apps. Sophie* from Hertfordshire says: “Even going on a date was so difficult. “You'll end up sending too many messages and not even meeting up. “I’m not interested in having a pen pal anymore!”
Meanwhile, Page is a French marketing executive living in Berlin. She has been traveling between there and the UK for the past month purely to attend boot camps. This is a level of dedication that borders on madness. “There is no place like this in Berlin,” she explains. “It’s pretty unique. “My friends thought I was crazy, but I really wanted to break out of the dating routine and do something different.”
And as I gave my final report at the end of the evening, this was probably my main takeaway. I was impressed by the courage and confidence these women showed in stepping out of their comfort zones and embracing the unconventional. Before I knew it, it inspired me to stop swiping, ignore the awkwardness, and get out there and try it. So next time a strange woman asks to take a picture of her at her bar, it could be me. And maybe I'm just trying to talk to you…
*The name has been changed.