morning edition Producer Julie Depenbrock and her girlfriend Amanda Gomez hiking with their dog Bentley.
Courtesy Ev Crunden
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Courtesy Ev Crunden
This essay was first published in the Up First newsletter. Subscribe here So don't miss the next one. You'll get the news you need to start your day, plus a little fun every weekday and Sunday.
Coming out is… It's confusing.
I grew up in a very Catholic family. Throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school, it never once occurred to me that I might be gay.
The word was ridiculed in playgrounds and hallways. At my young age, that was the worst thing.
At my all-girls Catholic high school, attitudes toward homosexuality were more tolerant. Still, I didn't know who would show up.
I figured I must be heterosexual because I was attracted to men. It was simple. You don't have to think too much about the times your eyes rested on a girl in French class or cross-country practice. I said to myself: That feeling is admiration. i didn't good night them. i wanted BE Like them.
As I entered college, I finally started meeting people who identified as queer.
The year was 2010. This was a time when same-sex marriage was not legal. Coming out was “brave.” People revered girl-on-girl kisses and relegated them to the realm of Katy Perry songs.
After graduation, I moved to South Dakota and devoted myself to teaching first grade.
It took six more years and two very painful crushes for me to admit it when my friend asked me if I liked girls.
“Yeah, probably so.” I said. It was my first time saying it out loud.
If you've internalized homophobia your entire life, coming out to yourself can be the hardest part.
I didn't do that until I was 28. Since then it has been an ongoing process. To be honest, some of the early conversations screwed me up. But it got easier.
On a dating app, I changed my preference from 'Male' to 'Male and Female' and finally to 'Female'. I met queer friends, and when we were together in large groups, it didn't feel like any radical action. It's comfortable. happy.
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Sometimes when I'm sitting on the couch with my girlfriend and my dog at the end of the day, I can't believe how happy I feel.
I was the happiest I've ever been.
Because coming out is so routine now. It feels like nothing at all.
I have a rainbow flag on my profile. haircut. The story begins with:
“My partner, Amanda…”
This essay was edited by: Susan Nuen.