SSleeping with someone other than your partner is the ultimate betrayal. That's probably the worst thing you can do in a romantic relationship, right? Not necessarily. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the best lessons I've learned about how to be a good partner and maintain a good relationship came from exploring non-monogamy. I'm not here to recruit polyamorous people. I am now in a happy relationship that is basically monogamous. But starting off non-monogamous actually proves to be a pretty fantastic foundation for long-term, committed love.
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for having more than one romantic or sexual partner with the consent of all involved. There's everything from couples who occasionally whisper with strangers to full-blown polyamorous relationships where people can be deeply committed to multiple people at the same time.
This is something many of us seem to be wondering more and more. A YouGov survey in January found that 16% of Britons were open to an open relationship. It seems like everyone is talking about polyamory this spring. Molly Roden Winters See also: Memoirs of an Open Marriage The author took charge, detailing his ‘life-changing journey of self-discovery’. Drive discussion in the media with our how-to guides. New York Learn more in the magazine New Yorker.
Open relationships are increasingly appearing throughout popular culture. succession and riverdaleSharp millennial novels, including those by Raven Leilani Polish and Lillian Fishman Volunteer. challengerLuca Guadagnino's upcoming tennis drama starring Zendaya teases a love triangle in the trailer. And it was surely only a matter of time before the potential of polyamory was exploited by reality TV. From couples to couples Arrived in February.
I'm thinking of adding to that pile too. my second novel, the beginning of somethingis a work that tells the story of 10 characters through 10 sexual encounters. I wanted to explore the different forms that sex, love and relationships can take in the modern world. For one queer, non-binary character, being poly is a core part of her identity. Straight couples are opening up because they want more sex.
run the beginning of something What makes love come true is the belief in honesty. The structure doesn't matter as long as you can communicate within it. I realize this is not a new or radical interpretation. But – and that’s a big problem! – can still be surprisingly difficult. And while you might think that opening up a relationship will make it more tricky, my experience suggests the opposite. Exploring non-monogamy has made me a better partner.
When I was growing up, polyamory was still considered kinky or weird. So when I got into a serious relationship in my 20s, it was definitely monogamous. Because I thought that was what it meant to be in a relationship. That was the point.
Holly Williams' new work 'The Start of Something'
(Orion)
It ended because of my unfaithfulness. Clue crushing, terrible guilt – and a newfound conviction that monogamy isn’t for me. It was clearly unbearable, and in any case, it was an unrealistic expectation imposed by a patriarchal society. I had to be free. No one will ever tie me down again!
With suppressed excitement, I pinballed my way through Tinder, Feel, and nightclubs in east London. But I didn't know how to communicate my desire for freedom, and I often took a don't ask, don't tell approach. I told myself I didn't owe anyone anything, but this was also a strange form of people-pleasing and conflict avoidance. I didn't want to disappoint! (How arrogant!) Or to make them feel sad or insecure. Or for them to reject me. Wanting more than one person is a natural impulse, but what society has told us (especially as women) is wrong. Polyamorous people can still be framed as incompetent, shameless, and selfish… Above all, I was suffering from standard British swamp emotional constipation.
Still, there were clues that “just not mentioning it” was surprisingly ineffective. A racing heart, a slight sense of guilt… And I have hurt people by not being honest and not really considering their feelings.
The solution then, it seemed, must be loud self-declaration. I've been loudly telling people about other dates, or telling them I never want an intimate relationship. Looking back, I also get goosebumps at this part. I'm so happy about myself that I've discovered a pattern? – I left little room for the other person to express their feelings. They need to jump on the great, enlightened non-monogamy train, or I will dismiss them as naive, old-fashioned cowards. Choo choo!
It wasn't until I met those people. already From their own open relationship, I really understood what it takes to make things work. What I learned was very simple. The more we talked appropriately about what we were looking for, without any moralizing or persuasion, the easier and safer it felt. If you're not going to be ethically monogamous, my goodness, you're going to have a lot to say. You can't disturb the mood or the foreboding. There are thousands of ways to “practice” non-monogamy, so there must be clear boundaries. This means planning before certain situations and reporting after they occur: Are we all happy to go out together? Should I stay later? So how did you feel…?
'At first everything was uncomfortable, but later I felt liberated'
(iStock)
Well, at first it all felt uncomfortable, but it also felt liberating. Have you ever been stuck in a circular discussion with your partner where you quietly expect them to know what you need and subtly punish them when they don't? All of that was much less. There are fewer games. Rarely shy. Dating a variety of people has made me more honest, more realistic, and less embarrassed about my true desires. It made me think harder about what was hiding behind feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
When I started dating my current partner, Tommo, I was still seeing someone else. however… As we fell in love, we also fell into monogamy. I believe that romantic love is not a finite resource. Just as you can love more than one child or friend, you can also love more than one partner. But time is a finite resource. I soon realized that I wanted to spend more time with Tommo than with anyone else. But I would argue that an open beginning was a great foundation for a relationship. From the beginning, we learned how to communicate calmly, transparently and clearly. Our trust in each other is based on honesty, not exclusivity.
It helped us let go of our assumptions about what relationships should look like. We've established ground rules for 'cheating' that feel less oppressive. Here, it may not necessarily be a betrayal that is unforgivable and ends the relationship. Rather than being forbidden fruit, it's just something that requires a long and difficult conversation…
Knowing this makes me feel freer and safer. What we have is important, but it's also important to be realistic about the fact that we can change. We make sure we do a relationship review every year. We talk about what works and what doesn't work. We ask big questions. Including whether we should open or not. I just don't want to be part of a socially approved model that will keep us apart until death. I want to allow movement and growth.
Because for me, monogamy should not be the default. That should be the question. As you explore my novels, there are many different ways to fall in love. For now, I'm happy spending all my romantic energy on just one person. But I think it worked because there was absolutely no assumption that it would happen.
‘The Beginning of Something’, published by Orion on April 11