When her 10-year-old complained about CCA activities, author Eveline Gan saw an opportunity for a lesson in putting others before yourself and your grades. She explains how empathy was a muscle she needed to practice, and how she eventually found the right response for her daughter.
When my 10-year-old daughter J was tasked with making cards for nursing home residents as part of a co-curricular activity (CCA) project, she grumbled that it was a “waste of time.”
Who can spend time with a complete stranger when you have homework and spelling tests to do? Besides, why would her old aunts and uncles like to receive her cards from her? she reasoned.
I smiled when I heard her complain. She was annoyed and annoyed. It was the perfect atmosphere for a conversation about empathy.
Empathy, or the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes and see things from their perspective, is a core part of what makes us all human. This drives us to connect people and help others in need.
Research shows that empathy is a key factor in fostering healthy, positive relationships, enhancing communication, reducing conflict, and performing well in school and work.
Educational psychologist Dr. Michele Borba talks about how parents underestimate empathy in her book Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All-About-Me World. But that's exactly what children need to be happy and successful.
Amid social issues such as youth mental health issues and increased exposure to digital media, practicing empathy has become more important than ever.
Her school can help teach values…
So, can children truly learn to be more empathetic through school-sponsored volunteer activities? Personally, I believe there is value in such activities. Like any new skill, developing empathy requires intentional practice.
It may seem counterintuitive, but research shows that empathy is not a fixed or innate trait. Of course, some children may seem more naturally attuned to the emotions of others.
But even for those who have trouble regulating their emotions, Dr. Borba says in his book, empathy is “a talent that children can nurture and develop, like riding a bike or learning a foreign language.” This is something anyone can develop with the right tools.
Practicing intentional empathy can help some children who are too self-conscious or embarrassed to act out. My introverted daughter hates attention to herself. One time she told me that she was too proud to stand up and give up her seat when she was riding public transport, even though she felt sorry for someone else.
For some children, showing kindness may feel difficult and awkward at first, but it may become easier as they continue to do so.
Exposure to such activities at school gives parents the opportunity to have honest conversations with their children about diversity, prejudice, stereotypes, and inequality, topics that are important when considering other people's perspectives.
…while cultivating empathy at home
Although schools have a role to play, empathy development must continue at home. To help our children develop perspective-taking skills, we often talk about characters in movies and books.
For example, after watching The Chronicles of Narnia, the film adaptation of C.S. Lewis' popular book series, my children and I discussed the motivations of the various characters in the show. The story unfolds around themes of empathy, compassion, and forgiveness.
I also speak openly about the people I meet in my work as a writer. Some of them struggle with stigma and discrimination due to their disabilities or illnesses. I hope that by doing so, my children will be able to think about how their words and actions can impact others.
There are days when I struggle to consider other perspectives and grumble about taking on responsibilities, but as a parent, I try to walk my talk. I'm still trying to figure out how best to respond when my child displays indifferent or challenging behavior, and trying to control his irritable temperament.
Finally I found the right answer to her complaint
In response to my 10-year-old’s “wasting time” complaint, I acknowledged his feelings. After all, there is nothing more frustrating than being forced to show care and concern when you don't want to.
Next, I asked J if he remembered his grandmother's reaction after receiving the handmade card. She quietly recalled. Her grandmother's face lit up, she was glad that she could make her happy. He pointed out that maybe some of the older people at home are lonely and don't have grandchildren to make pretty cards for. Can she do some good for them too?
J softened at that thought. In addition to learning about his own feelings, I saw J noticeably consider other people's perspectives. When an old man's wrinkled face lights up after receiving a handmade card, my daughter might recognize that she too can do something, even if it's small, to make a difference in someone else's life.
It's time to start making homemade Christmas cards.