The early years bring a whole new set of challenges, and for parents, communication skills can be key during this most difficult time.
Child psychologist Laverne Antrobus says tone of voice is important. “You should become an actor. [as a parent] – No one tells you about the different roles you will take on when you have children. One minute you’re a clown, one minute you’re a detective.”
Antrobus is supporting a new Department for Education campaign to encourage more people to work in early childhood care, with a new £1,000 sign-up bonus announced for new entrants and returners to the sector in 20 local authorities from April. The skill of communicating with toddlers is seriously underestimated.
She says it can help prepare children “for the rest of their educational lives” and that the way children speak as they grow up has a big impact.
Here are her tips for how to connect with your toddler at three important moments of the day:
When they say no
If your child is resistant to doing certain things, such as playing a new game or trying on some clothes, you may be tempted to put your foot down. But Antrobus suggests reframing their ‘no’ in your mind.
“Take it as your child's expression that he or she isn't sure what to do. [It’s their] A quick way to stop a request is because at that moment they don't really understand what's going on.
“Of course, it's very powerful depending on your parents' reaction, so if I could, I'd say you're wondering why the 'no' is being said. [Ask] 'what's the matter?' I am very optimistic about your response. It may be a fearful reaction or you may not want to do anything. [so ask] can i help? Can dad help me? What can we do? What can we do together?”
“The feeling that someone is there with them and willing to help” really helps, she says. A child's 'no' response may be due to concerns about failure. “Failure is a big deal for an individual from a very young age.”
For example, if your child says no to drinking tea, suggest that they pause for a moment. “‘Okay, I guess I won’t be hungry today. Say 'I'll wait.' The pressure of parenting is that we're working to the beat and rhythm. Sometimes it can overwhelm our more sensitive reactions to what is happening.”
For example, if your child says no to going to daycare in the morning, you could say: [or] I'll tell you, I'm going to wear shoes, are you going to wear shoes? Keep things moving smoothly.
“What you’re doing is providing a kind of platform for the little person who feels they can’t do something.”
While I'm annoyed
Antrobus wants to reassure parents that tantrums are absolutely normal. “We have to make that happen. [at ages one to three] Because if it happens at the right developmental stage, kids are more likely to get through it.”
But how you pay attention to your child in those moments is important, she says. She says, “If a child knows that every time she throws a tantrum she gets a lot of attention from her parents, she's really going to try to do that.”
Antrobus' advice is to take a step back, not literally. Ask questions like ‘How are you?’ and 'How may I help you?' Show your child that you know “something is going on” and that “you are here to help.”
Timing is important. “As a parent, you have to be very observant in the moment of thought. [the tantrum] I might be dying. Are you ready to go in? no? Get angry and take a step back…
“Basically, remember that it’s what’s really, really important in that moment. They're wrestling with a series of things that can occupy their little minds and they don't really know why they're doing them. At that stage their body moves them into a place of dysregulation. Our job is to help them get back to something they can feel more together about and move forward with.”
In a childcare setting, she says she often hears, 'Oh, today isn't a good day?' This shows that the adult is noticing and sympathizing with their behavior. “Every action has meaning,” she emphasizes. “And you can work it out with them.”
when you leave them
How you get your child to daycare or daycare in the morning is important, she says. “It’s often the most difficult part of the day, but for many children who have trouble settling into those spaces, it’s the most important part. “Because it feels like I literally fell, like I didn’t just fall.”
Even if parents are busy commuting to work, Antrobus suggests taking five to seven minutes to make the transition smoother. “[If you] “Putting your child down well strengthens attachment, or the child’s ability to leave you.”
The most important thing to communicate to them is that you are still thinking of them even though they are gone.
“The worst thing a child can be in is that the moment they leave their parents they feel like they no longer exist in their heart. And that can be such a profound thought for them that it interferes with their functioning,” she says.
When picking up, she offers to reconnect by saying: 'I was thinking about you and everything you were doing at the nursery.'
“This is how we develop our sense of self-worth. [So they learn] “The most important people in your life, you think about them every minute of the day.”
The Department for Education has launched a national campaign to encourage people to start a career working with young children. To find out more about Early Years and search for existing vacancies, visit earlyyearscareers.campaign.gov.uk.