But even though you're less likely to feel like the odd one out when you don't drink these days, finding a way to talk about sobriety can be very difficult.
Deciding not to drink is distinctly different from managing long-term recovery from alcohol abuse, and where the former can be ignored in certain settings, the latter is steeped in deep-rooted stigma and taboo. It's natural to fear judgment, scrutiny, rejection, or lack of understanding and acceptance if you speak up about sobriety. “Not knowing how your loved one will react to this information can be nerve-wracking,” says Sarah Elder, LCSW, CADC, a certified alcohol and drug counselor with Cook County Health.
If you have kept your alcohol or other drug abuse a secret from your loved one, you may feel shame and anxiety, similar to the behavioral changes that come with addiction. All of this can isolate you further and unfortunately make it harder to reconnect in public. And be honest with the people who love and support you.
But learn (and know) how to talk about sobriety with friends and loved ones. who Trusting this information in your circle) is an important skill that can not only reduce shame but also support sobriety. Having an accountability partner or developing a stronger sense of trust with friends and family.
“Conversations about sobriety can be incredibly healing and can often help normalize the topic,” says Keanu Jackson, LCSW, staff therapist at The Expansive Group. “Open conversations about sobriety can lead people to develop broader compassion and empathy, while also reducing the pressure on sober people to explain the reasons for their sobriety.”
If you want to be open about your sobriety but aren't sure where to start, read on to find helpful tips from a mental health expert. Plus, learn why sharing your story can be so helpful in your own recovery journey.
Benefits of Talking About Your Sobriety
“Disclosing your issues with substance abuse and recovery attempts with your loved ones can give you the opportunity to reconnect, increase support, ease anxiety about being ‘found out,’ and reduce feelings of shame or stigma. “ says Elder. “Sharing your struggles with alcohol and drug use with your loved ones can provide an opportunity to improve your relationships and gain support in your recovery process,” he added.
That means your loved ones don't know what problem you're going through and can't help you. how Support is available. “Asking a loved one to be an accountability partner, going to meetings with you, sending supportive messages, or not drinking in front of them are all great ways for them to support you during this journey,” Elder says. That means, “That’s okay too. ~ no Find out what support you need, what you want from your loved one, and what needs to change. Talking to a recovery support specialist, therapist or counselor can help you figure out what you need and how to ask for it,” she adds.
But beyond these practical support measures, the effects of sobriety conversations can be immediate, as many people feel a profound sense of relief, says Marsha Stone, a licensed chemical dependency counselor and co-author of the book. The Reimagined Workbook: A Manual for Addiction Recovery.. “Not having to worry about saying this to one person and that to another just relieves a lot of the guilt and shame that comes from constantly hiding something.”
Beyond relief, you may feel mental clarity, emotional peace, and even pride in the outward acceptance of your recovery, Stone adds.
How to Talk About Sobriety with Your Loved One
There are many paths you can take to start a sobriety conversation with those closest to you. While some discussions may happen organically and in the moment (for example, if you're out for a meal with a group of friends and the waiter asks you to take your drink order), others may be more planned, helping you control what is said and how. This happens. The conversation progresses. Here are some tips from mental health experts to get you started.
1. Choose wisely who you open your heart to.
Not everyone around you necessarily understands your situation. “The benefits of disclosing to a loved one are determined by a sober person and informed by their specific situation,” Jackson says.
For example, disclosing your material journey to a loved one who may criticize, belittle, or shut you down is more likely to be harmful than helpful. This means it's important to think carefully about who you approach and how to best create a safe and conducive environment for conversation. Jackson says these loved ones must have the ability and willingness to support your humanity, agency, and journey. Otherwise, it's best to avoid the conversation altogether.
If you're not sure who to approach, pod mapping is a great tool to help you figure out your relationship safety. Pod mapping, originally developed by the Bay Area Transformative Justice Collective (BATJC), is a technique to gain “an opportunity to look at everyone who is considered part of a larger network of support, reflect on those relationships, and identify where and how.” They can keep popping up,” Jackson says.
If you want to try pod mapping, start by asking yourself a few practical questions about your relationship. Jackson recommends:
- Is there someone around me who can tell me about my sobriety first?
- Who can you spend your time with if you receive a negative response from a loved one?
- Do I need someone to be there for me as I disclose my sobriety to others? So who is that person?
- If my home environment becomes unstable, who can provide financial support, shelter, logistical support, etc.?
- Is there someone in my network better equipped to provide emotional support and guidance?
To help you keep track of your answers, you can use this pod mapping worksheet on the BATJC website or simply write them down in your journal.
2. Prepare in advance what you want to say (and how much you want to reveal)
If you got a clear answer who If you want to have a conversation, now is the time to consider the actual conversation itself. There are no hard and fast rules for this particular step. Only you know the context and history of your relationship and sobriety journey.
For example, some people may prefer short, casual conversations (life updates) or more formal conversations. And when shared with more than one person, conversations can vary in length, format, content, and level of intimacy. You can also ask a trusted friend, partner, or recovery ally to host or join the chat.
No matter what happens, it's important to know in advance how you will approach the conversation. Elder recommends first understanding your relationship with alcohol or substances (for example, as a coping mechanism) and then feeling comfortable communicating your journey to others.
Next, consider what you are comfortable revealing. “Deciding what to disclose depends on your preferences and what you think is important to you,” says Jackson. “You are under no obligation to explain the full details of your sobriety to anyone.” To determine yourself and your privacy needs, Jackson advises starting with the following questions:
- Which aspects of my sobriety journey feel easier to discuss?
- What aspects of my sobriety journey do you find more difficult to discuss?
- Are there any aspects of your sobriety journey that you feel comfortable repeating or re-sharing with others?
- Who am I sharing this information with? Can I trust them?
3. Find a safe space, literally.
“Creating a safe emotional space often starts with creating a safe space. physical It’s space,” Elder says. Make a plan to find a time and place that is comfortable, quiet, and free of distractions. According to Elders, it's also important to consider who you're talking to and whether the environment is conducive to the relationship.
This might mean walking to a nearby park and chatting, visiting your favorite café, or just making yourself at home. You might find it more convenient to chat in the morning, so you can unwind during the day or unwind at night after a long day's work.
Ultimately, choosing the ideal time and a comfortable physical environment will help you feel comfortable enough to share.
4. Know your boundaries and stick to them.
Boundaries are an important part of communication because they let your loved ones know what you expect going forward. “By setting and communicating boundaries, you are actively paving the way for a deeper level of connection,” Jackson says. “Boundaries are an invitation for others to learn how to care for you, not a means of limiting or pushing away those closest to you.”
Some of your boundaries may revolve around your social environment and behavior, such as refusing to drink after work or maintaining a substance-free home, while others may focus specifically on conversations about your sobriety. For example, boundaries may apply if your loved one asks follow-up questions about your recovery journey or wants additional information on a specific topic. A boundary during a conversation might sound something like, “That question is personal, so I can't answer it.”
Remember: Inviting your loved one into a private conversation is not the same as taking on the responsibility of educating them about general sobriety. “Just because discussion and information gathering can be helpful doesn’t mean sober people have an obligation to be educators on the issue,” Jackson says. “Consent is very important here, so if a sober person is not interested in discussing their views or further details about their sobriety journey, the sober person should respect that.”
It may take time for your loved one to adjust to the new boundaries of sobriety, but repeatedly ignoring or ignoring boundaries may mean it's time to reconsider how (and whether) you show up in this relationship.
conclusion
Everyone has a personal relationship with alcohol and certain substances. It's important to remember that these relationships can change, and if you're in long-term recovery from substance abuse, you deserve support that respects your decision to abstain. “The decision to quit drinking is a very personal one,” Jackson says. “Whether a person’s journey to sobriety is easy or difficult does not take away from the fact that they deserve respect and joy.”
No matter where you are in your recovery journey, stay close to loved ones who accept you, support you when you're feeling down, and offer to spend time doing things that aren't alcohol-centric (or make a delicious cocktail when you have time). you're right).
If you're looking for more resources on how to share your sobriety journey or begin the recovery process, Stone recommends:
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