FOr, if you've lived with a partner, deciding how to share household responsibilities can be a challenge in itself. Sometimes, one person may take on additional responsibilities if their partner is sick or busy with work. But if your partner always does the laundry or does the grocery shopping because, as they claim, “you're better at it,” this could be a sign of weaponized incompetence.
“Weaponized incompetence in romantic relationships refers to the intentional use of feelings of incompetence or helplessness as a strategy to manipulate or control a partner,” says LMFT therapist Benu Lahiry, chief clinical officer at premarital counseling platform Ours. For example, someone may put off a simple task until their partner gives up and does it themselves. Or you can feign ignorance, such as pretending not to know the phone number of a veterinarian or what brand of soap to buy.
This behavior is not limited to romantic relationships. Weaponized incompetence can also happen to friends, family, and co-workers. female workerOne In effect, you become a note taker or party planner. No matter who is involved, these actions can undermine trust in the relationship and lead to an unequal division of labor.
Who does weaponized incompetence affect?
Another term for this phenomenon, strategic incompetence, has been used in the corporate world for decades to describe “when workers claim incompetence in order to hand off work to a colleague,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com. came. She said, “In recent years, the term has entered the lexicon of Internet relationship bloggers when referring to lazy partners, most of whom are men.” TikTok videos depicting this behavior have gone viral, including one of a woman who wrote a detailed grocery list, including a store map, for her husband, and another of a daughter scolding her dad for forgetting a cup when setting the table. I only work on Thanksgiving.
Weaponized incompetence can affect anyone, but it can have a disproportionate impact on women because of traditional gender roles and cultural expectations of women as caregivers and homemakers, Lahiry says. “When partners exploit these stereotypes, it creates an environment where women feel they have to accept their partner’s perceived incompetence,” she adds. We even have research showing: Women tend to participate more in household chores that are associated with female stereotypes.2 Men tend to perform traditionally masculine tasks, such as home repairs and budgeting.
Likewise, studies targeting dual-income couples show that when the division of housework is fair for both spouses, Women have higher relationship satisfaction and less conflict.three. Mothers who had more childcare responsibilities after returning to work reported more conflict. “Men who grew up in homes with traditional gender roles or who were not asked to take on traditionally feminine tasks may find it difficult to adjust to these tasks,” says Daryl Appleton, EdD, psychotherapist and executive coach.
Is weaponized incompetence always intentional?
Partners may weaponize incompetence to gain control or attention, arouse sympathy, or avoid negative outcomes. These behaviors tend to become patterns when there is some kind of reward, says Dr. Appleton. Perhaps your partner, who says you're “not good at planning,” will have more time to relax while you spend weeks searching for flights and hotels for your vacation.
Although it may seem like your partner is behaving this way on purpose, weaponized incompetence may be unintentional. “For the average person, with little insight and awareness, most behavior is unconscious,” says Dr. Walsh. “Only people with dark triad personality traits (narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism) tend to be intentionally sadistic.”
Another hallmark of weaponized incompetence is gaslighting, which involves “making someone question their own reality,” says Dr. Walsh. For example, someone might say to their spouse: “I can’t raise a baby well. Are you sure I can handle this?” The need for reassurance may be an attempt to upset others, or it may be a personality trait of someone who has difficulty making decisions or being alone, she adds.
How to determine if someone is actually incapable of doing their job and how to weaponize incompetence.
Rather than being honest or direct, you may use passive-aggressive tactics to shift blame onto your partner, Lahiry says. For example, you may promise to do the laundry and then claim you “forgot” or the dishwasher is overloaded and you have to wash everything again. Another example is refusing help with budgeting because “you’re not good with numbers.”
Recognizing when someone is feigning helplessness can be tricky. Dr. Appleton recommends looking for “patterns of behavior and whether incompetence conveniently serves the individual's interests or goals.” For example, if you text them every five minutes while you're running errands, asking where they can find the shampoo or deodorant aisle, this may be a not-so-subtle way of letting you know that shopping is boring, unpleasant, or worse.
“A partner who is truly struggling at work will demonstrate a sincere effort to understand the problem and move forward as best as they can,” explains Lahiry. They care about how their actions affect their partners. Meanwhile, she says, people who weaponize incompetence “are avoiding responsibility, feigning a lack of understanding, or conveniently failing to complete tasks.”
How to address the weaponized incompetence that is damaging your relationships.
Sometimes not doing chores or not knowing how to do them isn't necessarily a big problem. But if this happens consistently, it can “build resentment and create a power imbalance within the relationship,” says Dr. Appleton. Over time, these behaviors can lead to a breakdown in trust. The Cornerstone of a Prosperous and Healthy Relationship4” says Lahiry.
Below are four tips for managing weaponized incompetence when it suddenly arises in your relationship.
1. Practice open communication
Your partner may not realize how their actions affect you, so you may need to let them know. Dr. Appleton says you can share your concerns “based on facts, not emotions, and at a time and place where your partner may be more receptive to it.”
It is also wise to focus on the dynamics you are observing. Instead of accusing your partner of shirking his or her responsibilities, try saying something like this: “I sometimes feel disappointed when I promise to do a certain task and then are told I can’t.” Dr. Walsh says: they Less likely to go on defense5 If you convince them that you have faith in them and want to understand their perspective.
2. Set expectations
Dr. Appleton suggests working with your partner to develop clear expectations about shared responsibilities. It might be helpful to discover certain chores your partner doesn't mind doing, or to practice them a bit more.
In addition to household chores, people feign incompetence to avoid conflict. “Taking note of where these patterns appear will help you pinpoint the dynamics that aren’t serving your relationship,” Lahiry adds. For example, your partner may need a cooling-off period during an argument, or may want a sympathetic ear rather than advice.
3. Allow yourself to ‘fail’.
If your partner doesn't make the bed or fold the laundry the way you're used to, “let them do it without any help or intervention,” says Dr. Appleton. She also suggests offering encouragement and praise when you see improvement. Decades of research show that People learn best in a supportive environment6.
Dr. Walsh suggests giving tasks and instructions to your partner to see how they perform. If child care is an issue, she recommends taking both infant care and CPR classes. That way, both people have the same knowledge.
4. Seek out couples therapy
It's unlikely that your partner will change overnight. Having an outside perspective can help you understand relationship dynamics. Working with a couples therapist can help you address underlying issues and improve your relationship with your partner, says Dr. Appleton.
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- De Gennaro, Davide, and Gabriella Piscopo. “Pinkwashing and mansplaining: Individual and organizational experiences of gender inequality in the workplace during the COVID-19 pandemic.” Culture and Organization, vol. 29, no. 4, 2023, pp. 298-314. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1080/14759551.2023.2176501.
- Serrato, Javier, and Eva Chiffre. “Gender inequality in housework and family conflict.” Frontiers of Psychology volume. 9 1330. August 3, 2018, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01330
- Newkirk, Katie, et al. “Division of housework and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.” gender roles volume. 76,5(2017): 319-333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3
- Campbell, Ron, and Sarah Ce Stanton. “Adult Attachment and Trust in Romantic Relationships.” Current Opinion in Psychology volume. 25(2019): 148-151. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.08.004
- Lannin, Daniel et al. “The Longitudinal Effect of Defensive Rejection on Relationship Instability.” Journal of Family Psychology: JFP: Journal of the Family Psychology Division of the American Psychological Association (43 copies) volume. 27,6(2013): 968-77. doi:10.1037/a0034694
- Brooke, Simon, et al. “What makes adults choose to learn: Factors that stimulate or hinder adult learning.” sage journal, vol. 29, no. 2, doi:10.1177/14779714231169684.