What comes to mind when you think of pornography?
The first answer to that question might be negative. For many of us, the word conjures up images of “dirty” movie clips downloaded from the Internet or movies sold in rooms behind velvet ropes in video stores. You might think of adult magazines sold behind the counter at convenience stores or books secretly passed around by teenagers with obscene phrases.
That is, for many people, pornography is associated with shame and disgust. But is that always true?
Some couples find that using pornography together improves their sex life.
To be clear, we are not talking about pornography depicting violent sexual acts or any acts involving children. Instead, we mean pornography as defined by Merriam-Webster. “Depicting sexual behavior (such as drawings or writing) with the intention of causing sexual arousal.” In this discussion, it refers to couples who use porn together to enhance their sex life.
Why do you use porn?
There are many reasons to consider using pornography in your sexual relationship.
- You can add spices. Explicitly sexual images, whether on screen or in your mind, can set the tone for a couple. It may also give you ideas for adding variety and excitement to your sexual repertoire.
- You can open a conversation. Many couples feel uncomfortable talking about sex. Pornography can provide an opportunity to share fantasies and start the conversations each partner would like to have. “Do you know that scene from the story I read last night? “Do you want to try something like that?” Than “I want to wear handcuffs.”
- It can help couples understand attraction. It is human nature to be sexually attracted to someone who is not your partner. Using pornography can help one partner understand the attractiveness of the other. It may also make partners less likely to pursue sexual variety outside of a committed relationship.
negotiate
Before using pornography to improve their sex life, couples should be open about their feelings and expectations. For some partners, pornography is not allowed at all. Different people may prefer different types or different amounts. For example, one partner may enjoy watching videos while the other prefers reading erotic novels together. You may want to watch porn videos during foreplay. Another person may want to see it during times when the couple is not engaging in sexual activity.
Like other aspects of sex, communication is important. Discussing when, how, and why porn is incorporated into sexual experiences is critical to using porn well.
Being honest can enrich what happens in the bedroom and lead to greater intimacy.
And once a partner decides to use porn, they need to quickly address anything that makes them uncomfortable. For example, a woman may feel inadequate or worry that her partner will compare her to a porn character. If she raises her voice, her partner can reassure her.
When Porn Becomes a Problem
Although many couples find pornography beneficial, it can be a double-edged sword. Too much pornography can cause people to have unrealistic expectations about their partners and sexual activities. Their relationships may begin to suffer and they may begin to replace real intimacy with porn.
Pornography can also lead to physical problems. For example, men who masturbate while watching pornography may develop erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation because they need additional stimulation. You may find that you need pornography to perform with a real partner.
If you or your partner are having problems with pornography, help is available. Your health care provider can refer you to an appropriate specialist.
it's your turn
what do you think? Do you and your partner use pornography to strengthen your relationship? Are things getting better or worse? Please tell us more in the comments.
resource
archive of sexual behavior
Daneback, Christian, et al.
“Pornography Use in a Random Sample of Norwegian Heterosexual Couples”
(Abstract. October 2009)
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10508-008-9314-4
The Huffington Post
Nelkin, Stacey
“5 reasons why watching porn together is good for your relationship”
(March 7, 2013)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stacey-nelkin/5-reasons-why-watching-po_b_2766968.html
International Society of Sexual Medicine
“What are the effects of continued pornography use?”
http://www.issm.info/education-for-all/sexual-health-qa/what-are-some-effects-of-sustained-pornography-use/
“What can we do to help people who have problems with pornography?”
http://www.issm.info/education-for-all/sexual-health-qa/what-can-be-done-to-help-someone-who-has-a-problem-with-pornography/
psychology today
Colod, Susan, Ph.D.
“Fifty Shades of Porn”
(May 1, 2012)
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychoanalytic-30/201205/fifty-shades-porn
North American Sexual Medicine Society
“Fifty Shades of Gray Shine a Light on Sexual Health”
(June 13, 2012)
https://www.sexhealthmatters.org/sex-health-blog/fifty-shades-of-grey-shines-light-onto-sex-health