Imran Johri couldn't believe it when his golden eldest daughter started failing at school. A father of three explores the best ways to motivate his children and what holds them back.
Imran Johri is a part-time humor writer and full-time father of three who finds the bright side of parenting every chance he gets.
Here is one of the most difficult transitions my wife and I have had to go through as parents. We moved from the second grade of elementary school, which had no homework or tests, to the introduction of weighted assessments in the third grade of elementary school.
This cautionary tale of mismanaging expectations and discovering what intrinsic motivation means began 11 years ago when our oldest child was born.
My wife and I were so excited to think about the sheer natural potential this skinny baby contained within her.
As very enthusiastic new parents, we quickly followed the path of expensive educational toys and toddler swimming lessons, namely heated pools. The large reference library I've been building is now ready to be revealed to this child.
During this period of novice parenting frenzy, there was a huge surge in subscriptions to anything and everything if a child showed potential. That person scribbles? Art class! Did she move to the beat? ballet!
We thought it was cool that way.
We raise for performance, no parent approves
Those early years were happy because Bel had a joyful attitude toward kindergarten learning. And when she got into our preferred elementary school, we were completely resentful of ourselves. My wife and I shook hands endlessly and patted each other on the back as if we had won an elementary school entrance parent contest.
“We did well, Father.”
“In fact, our children will not require any concentrates in the future.”
“Tuition? Even what?”
Oh, how naive we were.
It was when we left kindergarten that we started to notice changes. Although Bel seemed to enjoy participating in class, he began to show a lack of enthusiasm in other areas.
First of all, she started showing a surprising propensity for saving documents. What started as a messy table in her room soon grew into a planet-sized mess that generated its own gravity, gathering more pieces of paper.
And when our reminders turned into nagging, we realized that all our annoying instructions were falling on deaf ears. When we asked her why she hated managing her pig pen so much, the only reply we got from her was a bland “I don't know.”
No no no no… am I actually lazy???
Things got worse when she started third grade. Bel's messy desk was filled with her homework and other school work.
When we received her first weighted assessment schedule, we assumed she would start working on revisions right away and that the automatic accountability and diligence switches would flip in her head.
Alas, we were wrong. Messy desk, messy plans… In fact, the only thing that has remained constant since then is that all of our assumptions about the exemplary student have been completely wrong.
Worse, this assumption did nothing to alleviate our disappointment as Bel began giving consistently disappointing math scores.
We unwisely decided to kick things up a notch. As the tyrant of productivity at work, I thought it best to bring the corporate madness home, demanding schedules and flow charts that no child would produce, let alone keep up with, of course. There were a lot of tears. Our home environment has become an unbearable, stressful testing ground for disappointment. We couldn't understand why she was having such a hard time despite her practice and training and especially her words of encouragement.
It all came down to a 9-year-old who was unmotivated, lazy, and just wanted to chill out at home and doodle every now and then.
Soon a terrible thought descended on us. He is a role model for our precious firstborn son. If I dare say a four-letter word… lazy?
Sorry for overreacting
As with most parent challenges, much clarity can be found through deep self-reflection. My wife and I debated endlessly, late into the night, about everything from ways to improve productivity to financial incentives. But it wasn't until we looked back on our childhood that we came to a deeper understanding.
My wife was a product of her parents' constant training and turned into the perfect epitome of strength. Just set up a test and she was ready to cram at any time. But my daughter was not like that.
On the other hand, I switch off when I don't have the motivation to put in the effort. It wasn't laziness, I just didn't see the point. That’s right – it’s all me. My daughter is me now.
We had to rethink how to provide for our beloved firstborn son. We dutifully took her time to understand what motivated her and what held her back. I think we've made some progress.
First of all, Bel had just started a new netball training program and was keen to put all her energy into it. So we realized why she was coming to her house looking so tired.
Then we saw her lighten up as she helped her colleagues with their schoolwork or chatted with them. She is not driven by grades or achievements, but by empathy, getting along well with others and caring about them.
There was also cheerleading that we did. We showed up for her pick-ups, drop-offs and home-cooked meals for school work and all of her sports activities. It's the whole shebang minus the nagging.
Fortunately, we noticed a change in her after changing her perspective.
So while her room is still full of clothes, soft toys, and fallen pieces of paper, we can now guess what intrinsically motivates her. She seems to thrive through the activities and interests of her peers. And like me, she automatically switches off when her false expectations are turned on.
No, she is not lazy at all. We have been blindly projecting our vicarious expectations onto her all this time. We had to stop and let go.