Tracy McCubbin, who has been a professional cleaner for 20 years and lives by the motto “don't put it down, put it away”, married a man she described as “very messy” last year.
Both acknowledged the “cosmic joke” of the unlikely pairing. When the couple first moved in together, Mr. McCubbin put blue painter's tape on every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen to give them a map of where they went. But she's also learned how to practice what she preaches to her clients and remain cool and collected about upsetting situations that don't impact their daily functioning. Like his nightstand buried beneath the books, charging cables and TV remote, she's sure she no longer owns them.
Or the jumble of tools her husband, an avid gardener, tends to leave in the yard. Mr. McCubbin sighed. “But you know what? We have a beautiful garden. Our fruit trees are bearing fruit. Understanding was really important. “This part is not important.”
Mr. McCubbin and other experts in the fields of organizations and psychology say there are several practical strategies that can help pack rats and tidy people live together in relative harmony.
Improve your organizational system.
“A lot of times, when a person becomes more complicated, there's this underlying belief that they're wrong, they're doing things the wrong way, they're bad,” McCubbin said. But in many cases, clutter in your home is simply a sign that you don't have a solid system in place.
Some of the solutions she offers clients are too obvious, she said. For example, she worked with parents who were frustrated with their children throwing their backpacks and coats on the “landing pad” just inside the front door. It may be helpful to have a few easy-to-reach hooks.
Ms. McCubbin also recommends adding ample shelves for avid readers' books. (“The line in the sand is it has to be on a shelf. You can’t have it stacked on the floor.”) At home, she said her husband “put a plate by the front door so he wouldn’t lose his stuff.” “Pay attention to it for 10 to 15 minutes every day.” Find your wallet and keys.
“It’s always important to explain that these systems are there to help, not because ‘you’re wrong,’” she said.
Focus on functionality.
Mr McCubbin said it was most important to consider the practical implications of the disruption.
“The goal of organizing is to make it possible to work from home,” she said. “It's not about putting out a rainbow of bookshelves or making things look perfect, it's about keeping clutter under control so you can cook in the kitchen and actually use the garage.”
Mr. McCubbin advises his clients to put most of their energy into the common areas. For example, she and her husband love to cook, so the kitchen has to function well for them both, she said. But he has her office and bathroom where she rarely sets foot, so she doesn't have to see the mess. (Many people don't have that much space, she acknowledged.)
Focusing on functionality can be especially helpful for parents who don't want to fight with their children over a messy bedroom. Antonia Collins, who runs her Balance Through Simplicity website, has two adolescent daughters, one of whom struggles with neatness. So Ms. Collins said she set her basic ground rules. For example, she insists on having tidy floors and a desk clean enough for studying. (She also expects her daughters to place their dirty laundry next to the washing machine and return any dishes or glasses to the kitchen.) But if the bed isn't perfectly made or there's a pile of clean laundry, she looks away. Turn . Clothes in the corner.
Consider the deeper issues at play.
Sometimes, clutter piles up because no one puts in the effort to clean and organize it. In some cases, it's because there are mental or physical obstacles, explains Michael A. Tompkins, psychologist and co-author of “Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquisition.”
Perhaps the most obvious example is hoarding disorder. But there are other connections between mental health and messiness. For example, people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or other executive function problems often struggle with excessive confusion. In such cases, patience and understanding can go a long way, he said.
Physical limitations may also be a factor. “I’m 73 years old, so I can talk about this personally,” Dr. Tompkins said. “It’s not that I’m still not interested in keeping my living environment tidy, but as my physical abilities decline, so does my ability to maintain my living environment.”
He said it's important to notice any sudden or drastic changes in a person's home cleanliness (or if they seem to be accumulating unhealthy amounts of stuff) and bring this to the attention of their doctor as it may indicate an underlying health problem.
It can also be a cause for concern if a person is simply unwilling to compromise on something confusing. There may be more fundamental relationship issues.
“It’s not just about socks,” says Kiaundra Jackson, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “It’s really about lack of communication skills or other needs, gender roles or much deeper issues,” she said.
If a family member is particularly strict about mess, it may be more about control than cleanliness and you may need to work on individual therapy, she said. Couples therapy or simply working with an organizer can also help you gain a better understanding when you're stuck, Jackson said.
Be strategic in how you talk about it.
While outside support can help, sometimes just learning new communication strategies can be enough to ease conflict, Mr. Jackson said. “Don’t bring up confusing topics when the person involved is hungry or tired,” she said. And beware of the nagging feeling that makes you do the same thing over and over again.
“Try different methods, try different tones, try different times,” Ms. Jackson urged, such as writing an email rather than a messy argument at the end of a long workday.
Mr. Jackson said he should express his expectations carefully and revisit them often. Because checking in with him regularly will help keep his anger from building up. She declined to provide a specific time frame because the length of time for such conversations varies from household to household, but she recommends that anyone starting a new season in life (e.g., after having a baby or changing jobs) talk about their household's expectations. Recommended.
“If there has been a change in preference, this needs to be voiced,” she said.