You've dealt with them before. At church, as a volunteer, as an employee, as a customer.
Toxic people are toxic.
Just as toxins can infect the human body, unhealthy people can infect your team. Everyone gets sick after some exposure.
Optimists like you and me hope that toxic people get better, and the good news is that sometimes they do get better.
unhealthy people ~can do Grow healthier by receiving the right care and attention in a healthy environment.
But some toxic people aren't like that. Despite all attempts, some remain difficult.
As you know, if you don't deal with toxic people or, worse, allow them to have influence, they can infect the entire organization and create a toxic culture in your church.
Just as toxins can infect the human body, unhealthy people can infect your team. Share to
then… How do you know early on that the person you're dealing with might be that person?
There are obvious signs of toxicity.
- lying
- manipulation
- out of jealousy
- high drama
- Refusing to respect boundaries
- control
- Victim's mindset
But there are also more subtle signs. Spotting these six early warning signs can help you prevent problems before their behavior causes real damage.
6 signs you are dealing with a toxic person:
1. They come on too strong.
In my experience as a pastor, the people who want to show up and make headline news (and I'm being generous here) are rarely healthy people. What's frustrating is that the people who are the most toxic when a relationship ends are the ones who are overly positive when they first meet you.
I have learned to be skeptical when people say, when they first meet and hear it for the first time, “That’s the best message I’ve ever heard in my life!” or “This is the best church I’ve ever been to.”
I usually think that people who are moderately impressed or even neutral on their first visit and then warm up over time are the healthiest people in the long run.
People who come on strong when they first meet you usually leave with a bang.
People who come on strong when they first meet you usually leave with a bang. Share to
2. Give advice during your first meeting.
Whether in casual conversation or even a job interview, people who tell you 15 ways to improve your organization are often toxic.
Is there a way to increase engagement at your church? of course.
Can we improve our preaching work? of course you can.
But if someone gives me a lot of advice… Well, that's not healthy.
When people I meet for the first time start talking about all the ways our church can be improved, I thank them and tell them honestly that maybe we're not the right church for them and offer to help them find a new church.
Healthy people never give you much advice when they first meet you. Unhealthy people do. Share to
3. They speak rather than wait to be asked questions.
Of course we all have valid opinions. But in healthy relationships, we reserve our opinions about others until we are asked to share them. The same goes for healthy churches.
Toxic people rarely do that. Toxic people volunteer (see #2 above).
If someone always tells you something and doesn't wait for you to ask questions, that's a sign of toxicity.
(In truly close relationships, it is natural to offer opinions freely, but this is done with humility, respect, and concern for the other person.)
Toxic people tell you everything about themselves. Healthy people wait to be asked questions. Share to
4. They want to be the center of attention.
They hijack the conversation. They never ask questions. They want to get involved too quickly.
They tell you what field they are an expert in. They tell you what they think.
They talk about their incredible track record. They talk about their accomplishments. They demand your attention. Truly healthy people wait to be asked.
Toxic people want to be the center of attention. Healthy people don't. Share to
5. You hear from them too often in the first month.
A toxic person wants to be the center of attention, so they will try to get into your schedule soon.
They will email you, call you, ask you out for breakfast and initially try to figure out how they can 'help' or influence you.
Again, most good leaders wait to ask questions.
Rather than wanting to be served, there is humility in staying in obscurity for a while and serving.
A great leader doesn't mind being an unknown leader. They don't have to notice. Share to
6. They have a record of moving from place to place.
Usually, people who come out that strong have a history of moving around.
As you select some of the different signs, you'll be asked questions like, “Tell me where you've been going to church in the last few years.”
Often people will talk about the three or four churches they attended (flags) or how a major division led them to leave their last church (big flags).
Hint: If someone has left five churches in the past five years, they've probably left your church, too.
If someone has left five churches in the last five years, they've probably left your church, too. Share to
What do you see?
If a person shows one or two signs that don't prove they are toxic, but shows five or six, that's pretty good evidence that you're dealing with a toxic person.
So what do you do with a person like this?
First of all, set clear boundaries.
Don't let them get involved. Observe carefully. Typically, truly toxic people will leave if you don't influence them.
And if, after watching for a few months (true personalities reveal themselves over time), you realize you were wrong (I did), you can invite them to join you.