Slow, UK:
Are you looking for tips on how to stop your baby from screaming like a fire alarm every time you put him down? Are you looking for some magical tips on how to get him to sleep for 20 minutes or more like your friend's baby? Their baby just sleeps and communicates his needs in a civilized way (i.e. not like a fire alarm).
Then you are in the wrong place! None of my three children have mastered the art of sleeping on a fixed, horizontal surface. Unlike the babies of the domineering mothers who follow a military schedule, my beloved children preferred slings or movable strollers (never in car seats, which they reacted to like they were sprinkled with acid).
But I spent a few years at home with my young children, which is a commendable achievement, because many women solve this problem by escaping to work. So, for the public good, I'll list the tips I wish I had received back then.
1. Keep dangerous items ('baby') away from valuables ('lipstick'/'mobile phone'), especially if there are other problematic items nearby ('cream carpet'/'toilet'). Ideally, keep valuables out of reach of infants, such as in another home or in outer space.
2. When the internet tells you that dishwashing liquid can remove lipstick stains from the aforementioned cream carpet, don’t believe them for a second. The only thing that can hide a lipstick stain on carpet is a cleverly placed rug.
3. Don't move into a house with cream-colored carpets. Or any other color carpet.
4. If you have to cry when your 2-year-old drops your new phone in the toilet, cry, but stop for 2 seconds and take it out. If you just leave it in the drawer of the nightstand, it will probably come back to life on its own in 4 months. It's just time to buy a new phone. (And a bag of rice is not a panacea for a water-damaged phone.)
5. Don't throw a week's worth of uniforms into the washing machine on Sunday night and expect them to be done on Monday morning. Washing machines aren't immortal and have been known to break down in the middle of a spin cycle at 10pm on Sunday night. When a washing machine repairman solemnly promises to send you a new one as soon as possible, he means “a week on Wednesday” not “within the next five minutes.”
6. Forget hiding in the bathroom when you want to be alone. A closed bathroom door is like a red rag to a bull in the ring to a toddler (and especially to your unlucky husband). You won’t find solace in the bathroom. Instead, create an emergency situation, like “forgetting” to buy milk, and then go shopping for 10 minutes as soon as your other half gets home.
7. Styrofoam balls – the kind used in school art projects – are the work of the devil, pushing out vacuum cleaners. Teachers love to use these for sewing projects, and I wouldn't be so worried if they hadn't encouraged me to use paper clips to “sew” the Styrofoam-filled cushions. These Styrofoam monsters are especially memorable after I pick my kids up from school and make a sharp right turn on the way home.
8. It’s never too early to start reading to your child. But if you were an Enid Blyton fan as a child and want to get your child into the club, you should know that publishers have embraced political correctness as the last lifeboat on the Titanic. The famous 5 The series now features a character named Rick, because if you see the word “Dick” on the page today, you should eat some smelling salts. a tree in the distance The series suffered a similar fate. You were warned.
9. Goldilocks was a little girl who got chased by bears. It's a wonder they didn't eat her for breakfast instead.
10. Babies and toddlers don’t need ironed clothes. In a few years, when you’ll need to iron out the beastly wrinkles on your school uniform, you’ll have plenty of time to iron them. Ironing, as a rule, is not the same as good motherhood (unless you’re one of those weird subgroups who find solace in ironing, in which case, of course, go ahead.)
11. Speaking of ironing, you can iron nail polish remover on a wooden table. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking, “I wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave a bottle of nail polish remover uncovered on a wooden table,” or “I don’t do nail polish.” But some of us are. ~is You do something stupid like loosening the cap. And one day, your baby will be a stylish six-year-old and ask grandma for a manicure. And grandma, who would never have granted you such an outrageous request 30 years ago, will go out and buy your supermodel six bottles.
But Grandma will forget that the supermodel goes to a school where nail polish is considered a crime, and is punished by sending a long, unsolicited email to her parents. So she will rush to the store to buy nail polish remover. And one day, she will find the contents spilled on the wooden table. But she won't notice it right away.
You will learn in a moment that the nail polish remover will soak in and leave behind a white stain that shines like a full moon on a cloudless night. Don't cry! Just grab an old T-shirt and an iron and start ironing over the stain. Don't ask how or why. The stain will magically disappear. (Side note: If you iron over a black-washed, high-quality wood table, the black paint will also disappear. Sorry, stop buying high-quality furniture.)
12. Finally, if you have a sleepless fire alarm baby right now, the most important tip is that one day, she will sleep again. I promise you, she will. Especially when she's twelve and had to be at school ten minutes ago. No matter how many times you try to get her out of bed, you're out of luck with the fire alarm.
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